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Toxic people and where to find them

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There is a growing trend in the self-development community encouraging everyone to let go of their toxic friends, family members and basically everyone around who makes you feel bad. For a while, I was happily riding that train. It made things so simple – “You are toxic – bye, and you are not toxic, so you can stay”. According to many articles, social media posts and just people who are really into living a better life, toxicity can be anywhere – in your brother, mother, partner. What those don’t tell you that the toxicity can be hiding inside of you.

From Toxicity to Trauma

Suddenly when the content is directed towards you and not other people the language rapidly changes and it goes to being traumatized in your childhood, and how it’s not your fault, you were in survival mode, you should forgive yourself and so on.

This type of messaging creates an interesting and complex way of excusing yourself while others are toxic.

Everyone is toxic

There is not a single perfect person existing on this planet. Of course, toxicity can be measured on a scale and if it gets abusive, you must immediately seek help. But my point is if you are not in any abusive relationships, then “removing toxic people from your life” is just an excuse to not look yourself in the mirror. It’s just another way to run away from your own problems. We all carry some form of trauma and if it applies to you it must apply for those around you, too.

Communication is key

Usually, when there is a conflict between two people, both of them are responsible for it. I know, it’s not easy to accept that. I worked very hard to own that and to understand my own behaviour. To face my own toxicity. It’s very important to reflect on our own actions first before we jump to conclusions about the other person. Communication is key, talking things through will give you a perspective if there is a common ground between you and the other person.

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Villinazing people is not a solution

When we go around villainizing everyone who hurt us, defining them by their faults only, we distance ourselves from society. This way we can’t change anything for the better. We give the power to the imaginary villains in our head and we become dysfunctional. It will be much more productive if we analyzed our own faults, practice empathy and find a solution through communication

Sometimes letting go is inevitable

It pains me every time I have to say goodbye to someone. It’s important to note that life is so non-linear that your paths can cross again and maybe then both parties are gonna be in a better place to start acting like adults. After all, we have a limited amount of time on Earth, and if we care so much about all of our relationships, there will be no time left for ourselves. We must find the balance between our empathy for others and for ourselves in order to evolve collectively. Nothing good comes out of conflict where both parties just want to prove they are right and the other one is wrong. If all the energy we spend on fighting is transferred to working together, magic happens.

We are not enemies

Quite the contrary, we are supposed to be friends. We know each other for a reason: to learn from each other. Humans are mirrors of each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s your mother or someone else, we are all human and we have darkness inside of us. Instead of being scared of it, find the compassion inside. Put the glasses with the love lenses and see what happens.

P.S. A lifehack I discovered is when you tell someone of how they are, listen to yourself, this is you telling yourself what you are.

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